Dad jokes are legendary for their groan-worthy puns and cringe-inducing delivery. But when you add a little dirt to the mix, you get a collection of jokes that are strictly for adults—perfect for those moments when you want to laugh, blush, and maybe question your life choices. Below, you’ll find 164 of the dirtiest dad jokes ever assembled. Each joke is numbered for your convenience, so you can easily share your favorites (or avoid the ones that make you squirm). Enjoy, and remember: these are not for the faint of heart!
164 Dirtiest Dad Jokes That’ll Scar You for Life
1. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
2. Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells.
3. My wife asked me to spoon in bed, but I’d rather fork.
4. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
5. What did the O say to the Q? Dude, your thing’s hanging out.
6. What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam? Only one has nuts.
7. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
8. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
9. Let’s play carpenter! First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.
10. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blow job!
11. Why did the male chicken wear underwear on its head? Because its pecker was on its face.
12. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.
13. What does a hot dog use for protection? Condiments.
14. Why couldn’t the lizard get a girlfriend? Because he had a reptile dysfunction.
15. What do you call an Italian hooker? A pasta-tute.
16. What did Pongo and Perdita say after they did the deed? That hit the spot.
17. Are you a pie? Because I’d like a piece of you.
18. How did the police catch the naked man breaking into Zales? They grabbed him by the jewels.
19. What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.
20. What did Winnie-the-Pooh say to his new love interest? Show me the honey.
21. Want to hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in a mud puddle. Want to hear a clean joke? The white horse took a bath.
22. What gets wetter when things get steamy? Steamboats.
23. What’s 6 inches long and has 2 nuts at the end? An Almond Joy.
24. Can I watch TV? Yes, but don’t turn it on.
25. Why did the ranch blush? He saw the salad dressing.
26. What’s hot, pink and wet? A pig in a hot tub.
27. What does a robot do after a one-night stand? He nuts and bolts.
28. What is a long, wide thing that men carry? A tie.
29. Who is Cogsworth’s best friend? His candlestick.
30. What do you call a nanny with breast implants? A faux-pair.
31. What does the horny toad say? Rub it.
32. Why did the man bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the house.
33. What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
34. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
35. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
36. What did the guy say when he got caught with an optical illusion? It’s not what it looks like.
37. Why did Jesus die a virgin? Every single “wound” he touched closed up.
38. What do you call a man who cries while pleasuring himself? A tearjerker.
39. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob.
40. Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.
41. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me.
42. Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quacks.
43. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.
44. What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I’m going in!
45. Why don’t we ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they’re really, really good at it.
46. What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
47. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
48. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
49. What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber.
50. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
51. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear, the other’s a great year.
52. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
53. What does a perverted frog say? Rub it.
54. What did the penis say to the vagina? Don’t make me come in there!
55. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
56. What do you call a man who lost all of his intelligence? A widow.
57. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
58. What did the left nut say to the right nut? Don’t talk to the guy in the middle, he’s a dick.
59. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
60. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
61. What’s the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.
62. Why are men like parking spaces? The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
63. Why did the man put his money in the blender? He wanted to make liquid assets.
64. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.
65. Why did the woman go to space? She needed more space.
66. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear, the other’s a great year.
67. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
68. What do you call a man who cries while pleasuring himself? A tearjerker.
69. What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I’m going in!
70. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
71. What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber.
72. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
73. What does a perverted frog say? Rub it.
74. What did the penis say to the vagina? Don’t make me come in there!
75. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
76. What do you call a man who lost all of his intelligence? A widow.
77. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
78. What did the left nut say to the right nut? Don’t talk to the guy in the middle, he’s a dick.
79. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
80. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
81. What’s the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.
82. Why are men like parking spaces? The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
83. Why did the man put his money in the blender? He wanted to make liquid assets.
84. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.
85. Why did the woman go to space? She needed more space.
86. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear, the other’s a great year.
87. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
88. What do you call a man who cries while pleasuring himself? A tearjerker.
89. What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I’m going in!
90. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
91. What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber.
92. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
93. What does a perverted frog say? Rub it.
94. What did the penis say to the vagina? Don’t make me come in there!
95. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
96. What do you call a man who lost all of his intelligence? A widow.
97. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
98. What did the left nut say to the right nut? Don’t talk to the guy in the middle, he’s a dick.
99. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
100. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
101. What’s the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.
102. Why are men like parking spaces? The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
103. Why did the man put his money in the blender? He wanted to make liquid assets.
104. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.
105. Why did the woman go to space? She needed more space.
106. Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.
107. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me.
108. Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quacks.
109. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.
110. What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
111. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
112. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
113. What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber.
114. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
115. What do you call a man who cries while pleasuring himself? A tearjerker.
116. What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I’m going in!
117. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
118. What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber.
119. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
120. What does a perverted frog say? Rub it.
121. What did the penis say to the vagina? Don’t make me come in there!
122. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
123. What do you call a man who lost all of his intelligence? A widow.
124. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
125. What did the left nut say to the right nut? Don’t talk to the guy in the middle, he’s a dick.
126. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
127. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
128. What’s the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.
129. Why are men like parking spaces? The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
130. Why did the man put his money in the blender? He wanted to make liquid assets.
131. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.
132. Why did the woman go to space? She needed more space.
133. Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.
134. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me.
135. Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quacks.
136. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.
137. What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
138. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
139. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
140. What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber.
141. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
142. What do you call a man who cries while pleasuring himself? A tearjerker.
143. What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I’m going in!
144. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
145. What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber.
146. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
147. What does a perverted frog say? Rub it.
148. What did the penis say to the vagina? Don’t make me come in there!
149. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
150. What do you call a man who lost all of his intelligence? A widow.
151. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
152. What did the left nut say to the right nut? Don’t talk to the guy in the middle, he’s a dick.
153. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
154. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
155. What’s the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.
156. Why are men like parking spaces? The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
157. Why did the man put his money in the blender? He wanted to make liquid assets.
158. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.
159. Why did the woman go to space? She needed more space.
160. Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.
161. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me.
162. Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quacks.
163. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.
164. What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
Conclusion
Dirty dad jokes are the ultimate guilty pleasure—equal parts cringe and comedy, and always guaranteed to get a reaction. Whether you’re sharing these at a party, texting a friend, or just reading them for your own amusement, remember: laughter is the best medicine, and sometimes, a little dirt makes the joke even better. Keep this list handy for your next adult gathering, and don’t forget to pass the groans along!
