British dad jokes are a special breed of humor. They are simple, pun-filled, and often so bad they are brilliant. These jokes are perfect for lightening the mood, breaking the ice, or just making your family roll their eyes. Whether you’re a dad looking to add to your joke arsenal or just a fan of classic British wit, this list of 129+ best British dad jokes will have you chuckling and groaning in equal measure. Get ready for puns, wordplay, and a bit of cheeky charm straight from the UK.
129+ Best British Dad Jokes You Can’t Stop Laughing!
1. What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.
2. Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
3. I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
4. How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.
5. I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
6. Why can’t a leopard hide? He’s always spotted.
7. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.
8. Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.
9. Did you hear the rumour about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it.
10. Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
11. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
12. How do astronomers organise a party? They planet.
13. Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
14. I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.
15. I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
16. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
17. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
18. What did the policeman say to his bellybutton? You’re under a vest.
19. Why do people say “break a leg” when you go on stage? Because every play has a cast.
20. What kind of ghost has the best hearing? The eeriest.
21. How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.
22. How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.
23. What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!
24. Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.
25. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
26. Can February March? No, but April May!
27. How do lawyers say goodbye? We’ll be suing ya!
28. Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it’s tearable.
29. What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
30. Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.
31. I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.
32. Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
33. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
34. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
35. What does a house wear? Address.
36. What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!
37. Why did Waldo go to therapy? Because he needed to find himself.
38. How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
39. Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.
40. How do you get Pikachu on a bus? Poke-him-on.
41. What is the worst insult you can say to a ghost? “Get a life.”
42. What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.
43. Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
44. Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.
45. What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.
46. Where do armies belong? In your sleevies.
47. What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.
48. What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? (No punchline needed, it’s a dad joke!)
49. I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went… Then it dawned on me.
50. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!
51. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
52. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
53. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
54. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
55. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
56. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
57. I gave all my dead batteries away today… Free of charge.
58. Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because its mother was in a jam.
59. Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack.
60. Stop looking for the perfect match…use a lighter.
61. I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it’s just a bug going around.
62. What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.
63. What do you call someone who won’t stick to a diet? A desserter.
64. What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing.
65. What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.
66. If you see a burglary at an Apple store, you become an iWitness.
67. If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.
68. Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
69. I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it’s the real deal or just a run through?
70. When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
71. What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Can’t wait to squeeze you!
72. What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!
73. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
74. Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, “That’s a novel concept.”
75. Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
76. Have you heard about the restaurant on the Moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
77. My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So, we went out and had a few drinks. Nice guy; he’s a web designer.
78. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? Apparently, he’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
79. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
80. Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tearable.
81. I have a fear of speed bumps. But I’m slowly getting over it.
82. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
83. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
84. What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
85. What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
86. How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.
87. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
88. What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
89. What do you call bears with no ears? B.
90. “Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.
91. What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
92. Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works much better.
93. Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
94. What’s the difference between a man’s wallet before and after kids? There are pictures where the money used to be.
95. Why did the man bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the house.
96. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
97. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way.
98. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s really heavy, and the other’s a little lighter.
99. I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids. I’m a faux pa.
100. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
101. Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.
102. I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
103. Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?
104. Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because its mother was in a jam.
105. Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack.
106. Stop looking for the perfect match…use a lighter.
107. I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it’s just a bug going around.
108. What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.
109. What do you call someone who won’t stick to a diet? A desserter.
110. What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing.
111. What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.
112. If you see a burglary at an Apple store, you become an iWitness.
113. If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.
114. Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
115. I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it’s the real deal or just a run through?
116. When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
117. What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Can’t wait to squeeze you!
118. What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!
119. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
120. Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, “That’s a novel concept.”
121. Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
122. Have you heard about the restaurant on the Moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
123. My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So, we went out and had a few drinks. Nice guy; he’s a web designer.
124. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? Apparently, he’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
125. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
126. Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tearable.
127. I have a fear of speed bumps. But I’m slowly getting over it.
128. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
129. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
130. What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
131. What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
132. How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.
133. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
134. What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
135. What do you call bears with no ears? B.
Conclusion
British dad jokes are timeless, simple, and endlessly entertaining. Whether you use them to lighten up a dull moment or to get a cheeky smile from your kids, these jokes prove that good humor doesn’t have to be complicated. Keep this list handy, and you’ll never be short of a pun or a groan-worthy quip. Remember, the best dad jokes are the ones that make you laugh and roll your eyes at the same time. Enjoy sharing these classic British dad jokes and spreading the joy of silly, clean humor.
