Dad jokes have a special place in comedy: they are so bad, so groan-worthy, that they somehow become funny. These jokes are simple, pun-filled, and often delivered with a straight face, making them a unique art form. Whether you love them or pretend to hate them, dad jokes are guaranteed to get a reaction—usually an eye roll followed by a chuckle. In this article, we present 158 of the worst dad jokes ever told. Prepare yourself for the ultimate cringe and maybe a few laughs along the way.
The 158 Worst Dad Jokes You Can’t Unhear
1. Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? It didn’t have the guts to do it.
2. Why do fathers bring an extra pair of socks before they go golfing? Just in case they get a hole in one.
3. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A F-s-h.
4. My wife asked me to stop singing ‘Wonderwall’ to her.
5. Are you feeling cold?
6. What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
7. What does a vegetarian zombie eat? GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!
8. I caught my son gnawing electrical cords so I grounded him. He’s doing better now and is conducting himself appropriately.
9. How do you propose to a farm girl? You first need a tractor.
10. I constructed a model of Mount Everest. My son asked, “Is it to scale?” I said, “No, it’s for looking at.”
11. What did one wall say to the other? Meet you at the corner.
12. Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
13. What did the flag say to the other? Nothing; it just waved.
14. Why is Yoda such a skilled gardener? He has green thumbs.
15. I decided to connect all my wristwatches to create a belt; it turned out to be a real waste of time.
16. I was let go from my job as a taxi driver because customers don’t appreciate it when you go the extra mile.
17. I lost 25% of my roof last night… oof.
18. Did you know that the original French fries weren’t actually prepared in France? They were cooked in Greece.
19. I asked dad for best dad, and he replied, “You.”
20. Why was the woman dissatisfied with the Velcro she purchased? It was a complete rip-off.
21. Watch what you say around egg whites. They can’t take a yolk.
22. I’m so good at fixing things, my motto is, “If it is broke, I’ll still fix it.”
23. Where did the pumpkins have their meeting? In the gourdroom.
24. What’s the best way to save your dad jokes? In a dadda-base.
25. I got a new pen that can write under water. It can write other words too.
26. My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.
27. I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.
28. What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance? Lady Ba Ba.
29. What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philipe Fallop.
30. Why can’t dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they’re extinct.
31. I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5. Turns out he only does odd jobs.
32. Why should you never take sides in an argument at the dinner table? Trick question. It’s the perfect time to take sides because no one’s paying attention. Bring Tupperware.
33. Who won the neck decorating contest? It was a tie.
34. Where do rainbows go when they’ve been bad? To prism, so they have time to reflect on what they’ve done.
35. Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.
36. I’m so upset—my barber said he can’t cut my hair any longer. He can only cut it shorter.
37. What do mermaids use to wash their fins? Tide.
38. What did the skillet eat on its birthday? Pan-cakes.
39. Why couldn’t the produce manager make it to work? He could drive, but he didn’t avocado.
40. I went to a silent auction. I won a dog whistle and two mimes.
41. How is my wallet like an onion? Every time I open it, I cry.
42. What do you call a dog who meditates? Aware wolf.
43. What kind of fish do penguins catch at night? Star fish.
44. Which vegetable has the best kung fu? Broc-lee.
45. Can a frog jump higher than a house? Of course, a house can’t jump.
46. I was going to try an all almond diet, but that’s just nuts.
47. I was going to tell a joke about the layoffs, but sadly none of them work.
48. What’s the hardest tea to swallow? Reality.
49. Why did the employee at the calendar company get fired? He took a day off.
50. I was raised as an only child. It drove my sister nuts.
51. Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
52. You don’t need a parachute to go sky-diving. You need one to go sky-diving twice.
53. It’s not easy being a mom. Otherwise, dads would do it.
54. My dog just ate a $100 bill. I guess he has expensive taste.
55. The guy who stole my diary went missing. My thoughts are with his family.
56. What did the cow say to the leather chair? Hi, Mom!
57. I’d love to have kids one day. But that’s as long as I can handle them.
58. Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now.
59. My resume is a list of things I hope I never have to do again.
60. Why did the social media manager break up with her boyfriend? Lack of engagement.
61. My wife always complains that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
62. I threw a boomerang months ago. Now I live in constant fear.
63. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing…but not at a funeral.
64. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her.
65. A woman passed out on the merry-go-round. She’s coming around.
66. There was a break-in at the wig factory. Police are combing the area.
67. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
68. Justice is a dish best served cold. Otherwise, it’s just water.
69. Why should you never throw grandpa’s false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.
70. Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting? They always drop their needles.
71. What did the lunch box say to the refrigerator? Don’t hate me because I’m a little cooler.
72. What do you do to have a space party? You planet.
73. Why couldn’t the tree get on his computer? Because he could not log on.
74. What’s a skeleton’s favorite type of road? A dead end.
75. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, just a little wine.
76. What did the alien say to the landscaper? Take me to your weeder.
77. Me: “I want to write when I grow up.” Dad: “Why don’t you left instead?”
78. How many apples grow on an apple tree? All of them.
79. What did Elvis say to his landscaper? Thank you for the mulch!
80. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out!
81. What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? Time to go to sweep.
82. The other day I was attacked by a bunch of circus clowns in a parking lot. I won though, cause I went right for the juggler.
83. I’d like to shout out sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
84. What did the computer go to the doctor? Because he had a virus.
85. How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear.
86. Did you hear about the famous pickle? He’s a really big dill.
87. I went on Amazon to buy a lighter but all they had were 3,472 matches.
88. What do you need to make a highway in an art studio? A mile marker.
89. Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.
90. I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
91. How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
92. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
93. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
94. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
95. Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!
96. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
97. What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.
98. Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.
99. Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
100. Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
101. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
102. I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
103. What’s the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.
104. I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my two weeks’ notice.
105. Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
106. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
107. I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.
108. It takes guts to be an organ donor.
109. If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?
110. I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
111. I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
112. Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
113. How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.
114. How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.
115. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
116. It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad. It’s a faux pa.
117. What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!
118. Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.
119. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
120. Can February March? No, but April May!
121. How do lawyers say goodbye? We’ll be suing ya!
122. Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it’s tearable.
123. What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
124. Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.
125. I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.
126. Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
127. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
128. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
129. I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids. I’m a faux pa.
130. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
131. Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.
132. Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?
133. Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because its mother was in a jam.
134. Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack.
135. Stop looking for the perfect match…use a lighter.
136. I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it’s just a bug going around.
137. What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.
138. What do you call someone who won’t stick to a diet? A desserter.
139. What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing.
140. What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.
141. If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.
142. Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
143. I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it’s the real deal or just a run through?
144. When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
145. What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!
146. What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Can’t wait to squeeze you!
147. What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!
148. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
149. Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, “That’s a novel concept.”
150. Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
151. Have you heard about the restaurant on the Moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
152. My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So, we went out and had a few drinks. Nice guy; he’s a web designer.
153. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? Apparently, he’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
154. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
155. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
156. I have a fear of speed bumps. But I’m slowly getting over it.
157. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
158. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
Conclusion
This collection of 158 dad jokes covers classic puns, silly word plays, and absurd punchlines. They are short, simple, and perfect for sharing at family gatherings, barbecues, or whenever you want to lighten the mood with some good-natured groaning. From jokes about animals and food to everyday objects and professions, these jokes are the epitome of “so bad they’re good.” Get ready to embrace the cringe and enjoy the fun!
