Wine and laughter have a long-standing relationship. Whether you’re sipping a fine Bordeaux or a cheeky Pinot Grigio, a good joke can always enhance the experience. The UK wine scene is vibrant, and so is the humour surrounding it. From clever puns to classic dad jokes, wine jokes bring a sparkle to any gathering. This article uncorks over 119 UK-themed wine jokes guaranteed to tickle your taste buds and your funny bone. So pour yourself a glass, sit back, and enjoy the best of British wine wit.
119+ UK Wine Jokes to Uncork Your Funny Bone
1. What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
2. I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. It’s a Bordeaux collie.
3. I’m a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.
4. I was having wine with my wife when she said, “I love you so much, you know. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.” I said, “Is that you or the wine talking?” She said, “It’s me talking to the wine.”
5. Love the wine you’re with.
6. What do you call a wine hangover? The grape depression.
7. What’s the secret to enjoying a good bottle of wine? Open the bottle to let it breathe. If it doesn’t look like it’s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
8. If you can drink away your hurt, it must have been champagne.
9. Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
10. How do you decide how much wine to drink? Take it on a case-by-case basis.
11. What do you call a grape that is an anti-diuretic? Pinot More.
12. Did you know wine doesn’t make you fat? It makes you lean… against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
13. It’s funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible but 8 glasses of wine is a sign of a good meal.
14. The first thing on my bucket list? To fill the bucket with wine.
15. We have an open-door policy. Show up with wine, and we’ll open the door.
16. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
17. What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races? Chardon-neigh!
18. I drank so much wine last night that when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass; I won the dance competition.
19. What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection? Mos-cat-o!
20. Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
21. The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
22. What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy? Sauvign-yawn blanc!
23. Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
24. Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business? They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
25. Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine? Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
26. What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate? Port whine!
27. Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire? He heard it was a Goodyear!
28. You had me at merlot.
29. Adulting makes me wine.
30. Chardonnay or should I go?
31. When I drink wine, I make pour decisions.
32. What’s the secret to enjoying a good bottle of wine? Open the bottle to let it breathe. If it doesn’t look like it’s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
33. Great minds drink alike.
34. I make pour decisions.
35. Here for the right riesling.
36. On cloud wine.
37. Partners in wine.
38. No wine left behind.
39. Sip happens.
40. It’s wine o’clock.
41. Stop and smell the rosé.
42. Everything happens for a riesling, right?
43. Oh, sweet child of wine.
44. I need to re-wine my life.
45. You’re the wine that I want.
46. You are so bottlefull to me.
47. Another glass? Wine not?
48. Will you accept this rosé?
49. What did the grape say when it was crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
50. The first thing on my bucket list is to fill the bucket with wine.
51. He said his non-alcoholic wine was delicious; I said he had no proof.
52. Do librarians like white wine? No, they like theirs well red!
53. Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
54. When you get a hangover from wine, it’s called the Grape Depression.
55. I just heard on the grapevine that doctors have invented a new grape variety that acts as an anti-diuretic to help with incontinence. It’s called pinot more.
56. It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There’s clearly room for more wine.
57. I can’t wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.
58. Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
59. What do you call a wine that’s always on time? A prompt-o.
60. Why don’t grapes ever get lonely? Because they come in bunches.
61. What’s a wine lover’s favourite exercise? Cork lifting.
62. What do you get when you cross a grape and a lion? A grape that roars with flavour.
63. Why did the sommelier bring a ladder? To reach the high notes.
64. What’s a wine’s favourite type of music? Anything with a good “bottle” beat.
65. Why did the wine bottle go to therapy? It had too many hang-ups.
66. What do you call a wine that tells jokes? A pun-ot noir.
67. What do you call a wine that’s great at football? A goal-den grape.
68. Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road? It ran out of juice.
69. What do you call a wine that’s always calm? A mer-lot.
70. Why did the wine refuse to fight? It didn’t want to start a grape war.
71. What do you call a wine that’s always on time? A prompt-o.
72. Why do wine lovers never get lost? Because they always follow the corkscrew.
73. What’s the best way to make a wine disappear? Drink it.
74. Why don’t wine bottles ever get cold? Because they’re always in a warm cellar.
75. What’s a wine’s favourite sport? Cork-et.
76. Why did the wine break up with the beer? It couldn’t handle the hops.
77. What do you call a wine that’s always happy? A bubbly personality.
78. Why did the grape go to school? To become a little briter.
79. What do you call a wine that’s a great dancer? A cha-cha-chardonnay.
80. Why did the wine bottle go to the gym? To get a little more body.
81. What do you call a wine that’s always late? A tardy tannin.
82. Why did the grape get promoted? Because it was outstanding in its field.
83. What’s a wine’s favourite type of joke? A dry one.
84. Why did the wine bottle blush? Because it saw the cork pop.
85. What do you call a wine that’s very smart? A cabernet genius.
86. Why did the grape start a band? Because it had great notes.
87. What do you call a wine that’s very polite? A chardon-neigh.
88. Why did the wine get a ticket? For corking in a no-parking zone.
89. What’s a wine’s favourite holiday? Cork-mas.
90. Why did the grape refuse to play cards? Because it was afraid of being crushed.
91. What do you call a wine that’s very brave? A mer-lion.
92. Why did the wine bottle go to school? To get a little more cultured.
93. What do you call a wine that’s very funny? A pun-ot noir.
94. Why did the grape go to the doctor? Because it was feeling a little vine.
95. What’s a wine’s favourite dance move? The corkscrew.
96. Why did the wine bottle get in trouble? Because it was caught in a jam.
97. What do you call a wine that’s very generous? A pour soul.
98. Why did the grape get a job? To make some extra juice.
99. What’s a wine’s favourite game? Bottle-opoly.
100. Why did the wine bottle get a promotion? Because it was well bottled up.
101. What do you call a wine that’s very sneaky? A cabernet stealth.
102. Why did the grape go to the party? To get a little tipsy.
103. What’s a wine’s favourite animal? The cork-odile.
104. Why did the wine bottle go to the beach? To get a little sun-kissed.
105. What do you call a wine that’s very fast? A mer-lot rocket.
106. Why did the grape get lost? Because it took a wrong turn in the vineyard.
107. What’s a wine’s favourite movie? The Grape Gatsby.
108. Why did the wine bottle go to the doctor? Because it had a cork in its throat.
109. What do you call a wine that’s very romantic? A love-lot.
110. Why did the grape get arrested? For crushing on someone.
111. What’s a wine’s favourite song? “Pour Some Sugar on Me.”
112. Why did the wine bottle get scared? Because it saw the cork pop.
113. What do you call a wine that’s very musical? A cabernet concerto.
114. Why did the grape go to the gym? To get a little more toned.
115. What’s a wine’s favourite sport? Cork-et.
116. Why did the wine bottle go to the party? To get a little corky.
117. What do you call a wine that’s very clever? A mer-lot genius.
118. Why did the grape get a promotion? Because it was outstanding in its field.
119. What’s a wine’s favourite joke? A dry one.
120. Why did the wine bottle blush? Because it saw the cork pop.
Summary
Whether you’re a wine novice or a seasoned sommelier, these 119+ UK wine jokes are sure to bring a smile to your face and lighten the mood at any gathering. From clever puns to playful wordplay, wine humour is a delightful way to celebrate the joy of vino. So next time you pour a glass, remember to add a dash of laughter-it’s the perfect pairing for any bottle.
